The Illusion of Control

Once we see the longing that is creating the behavior, we can begin to help them find that longing met in Christ.

By Clint FISHER, Dean of Students and Families

Every parent finds themselves in the same ditch, outlining consequences to enact the right choices. Will our kids ever learn obedience and wisdom? Paul Tripp reminds us that there is a natural and yet destructive pattern that parents are led into by the forces of busyness, fear, frustration, and fatigue. We begin to exercise control of our kids in an effort to teach them better choices. These forces keep us focused on the horizontal level of behavior and reward or punishment. 

Tripp introduces the idea that we have a choice. We can either remain in the sphere of behavior management or we can include the vertical and move into redemptive change. What parent wants their life to consist of always controlling their child’s choices with the strings of reward, fear, and tethers of time and treasure? We all want to train and equip our children to make their own choices based on wisdom and values. How do we get there when we face another moment that demands control? 

longing met in christ

There is a clear shift in focus. Yes, we still provide rules, authority, protection and hopefully wisdom as a means of guarding the heart. We also lean in with compassion to see the longings of the heart: to be loved, safe, successful, wanted, significant, and seen. Once we see the longing that is creating the behavior, we can begin to help them find that longing met in Christ. Lastly, we help them see Christ as the source of help, mercy, grace, and compassion as well as the one who helps us change. They can move from avoiding getting in trouble while trying to meet those longings. They can move to actually being loved as they see Christ meeting those needs, and so free them from the drive that keeps making bad choices.  

Our children must see through us that Christ did not come to give us rules or even to change our behaviors. Christ came to die for us to free us from the endless longing for more by bringing us back into a right relationship with God. Here we find our needs met, our longings changed, and our lives find purpose and fulfillment as we glorify and enjoy God.